Even though, I pretend to be interested in the matters that surround me, I barely am. Is this the thing that they call depression, a systematic failure of one’s ability to envision better tomorrow or it’s just a realization of the fact that no matter what is done, everything that surrounds us, is converging towards an inevitable end.

I guess, What I am saying is that the depression is a form of enlightenment.

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away.

-Don't know who wrote this

And now, we tell them that we have been there and back, the place you are trying to reach isnt all that wonderful. Comfort and abudance that you may experience on your way to a world, that is full of plastic and chemicals, are going to be shortlived. You may want to grow all your crops throughout the year, and you may want the continuous ease of disposable goods, but they will introduce horrendous elements in your surroundings. You may want all your buildings air-conditioned and all your roads paved. It all very well can happen but you will pay a tremendous cost. You can tell them to slow down. You will beg them to reconsider.

But they will not listen.

Bangalore Visit

I spent four eventful days in probably one of the most happening places in India, Bangalore. This city has been branded as Silicon Valley of India with unmatchable growth in IT sector. Numerous call centers and offshore software development centers have sprung up creating thousands of jobs. Omnipresent Telugu IT workers, aromatic south Indian food and IBM sign board in Kannada were some of the highlights of my trip.

Dubai Trip

Day 1
UAE, there are hardly any Arabs here. It’s more like land where Indians and Pakistanis live without fighting and more importantly abiding by most of the government regulations and laws. They are everywhere, airport security, driving cabs, waiting tables and filling gas.

Day 2
Trip to American embassy wasn’t an easy one. I was dropped right at the door of world trade center but it wasn’t as easy as taking an elevator to the American owned 21st floor. There was a hot and humid detour with numerous security checks. I was directed through the ‘White Cabin’, a 20X30 unit constructed behind the trade center.

Day 3
Two Taiwanese ladies for the day shift, couple of Malbari (Keralite) guys for the night. UAE service industry has found an incessant source of manpower from eastern Asia. They are utilizing it as its best for their advantages. You walk around UAE and realize that social and economic boundaries have deeper and more substantial roots. Immigrants have developed narrower mindsets and their energy is (somewhat intentionally) channeled to achieve limited objectives. Constant influx of foreign workers keeps them on their toes and capitalistic business houses can use it to maintain lower labor costs . Over a million East Asians dominate the demographic charts here and are dominated by wealthy and socially distant Arab community. Perhaps my idea of equality is defined by unreasonable measures and exaggerated under western illusions of freedom, however the poor status that East Asians have in Arab world had more then enough anomalies to go unnoticed.

11/29/2006

My double standards have been bothering me for past few days.
It’s weird how I don’t stand up for things I believe in so strongly. Objection towards child labor, stereotyping and discrimination, all seem to parch off as soon as I land here in India. They say charity starts from home and my own house employs a fifteen year old for house work. Why do I overlook things that are outright wrong? Why do I lead an ordinary life hiding from the unjust around me? Kindness is the best religion, and suddenly it’s missing from all over my world.



12/16/2006

I am still thinking about the child labor. Visited a primary school this afternoon. There were a lot of children playing around, seeing them reminded me of the fifteen year old working at my place. Why does she have to work 9 to 4, while these kids go through 8 of their lectures, learning new things every hour of their lives. God must be very unhappy that we are letting a child work everyday, when she is supposed to learn and have fun. For little comfort, we compromise on a lot of our preaching. Every child is entitled to get basic education and a chance to traverse through the barriers. And there is no excuse for not letting that happen.
I tried to talk to people who are supposed to be compassionate and considerate around me. They tried to simplify it for me, the child is better off working at our place than begging on the streets and being knocked around by strangers. I try to justify their stand, but I can’t. It’s just doesn’t seem fair. I am no foreign to the depressing realities of the third world. I lived here for 21 years. I guess, I had conveniently forgotten the miserable conditions that most people live through here in India.

Ahmadabad


In haze of evening smoke, non stop mobile rings and familiar roads with strange buildings, people of Ahmadabad or one would call them Amdavadis, seem to have stepped up in most areas of lifestyle. However, east Ahmadabad poses numerous contradictions to the pompous growth of west Ahmadabad. Buildings in east Ahmadabad seem to have aged drastically in last four years. Ruined textile industry and continuous loss of jobs has left the east Ahmadabad limping in last decade or so. Haunting Textile Campuses are up for grabs, attracting the developers to build slum like apartment complexes and strip malls. In contrast, west Ahmadabad boasts a number of new developments in form of fancy malls and multiplexes.

Ahmadabad has been quaked, flooded and traumatized in last few years. Of all tragedies, 2002 communal frenzy was the worst. February Riots left Ahmadabad limping and bedazzled, full of deep-rooted hatred and distrust all over. Every other day English dailies print hellish accounts of victims and sidelined police officers, in turn increasing popularity of those who committed heinous crimes during the deadly 2002 spring.

Blaming one community for the loss of lives and destruction could only worsen communal predicament. However, unfortunate outcomes of these events might give us some glimpse as to what can be done to prevent such communal disasters from happening again.

First thing that is immediately noticeable among other Ahmadabad’s riot scares, is the accelerated polarization. Thousands of people, who were looking for cover during the unrest, were forced into minority dominated areas, one of them being Juhapura. According to some statistics, Juhapura’s population has been increased three times in last four of years whereas the public facilities remain insufficient as ever. With so much dissatisfaction and concentrated anger, it becomes fairly easy to misdirect the youth in such localities. These slum-like neighborhoods can turn into recruiting grounds for destruction oriented organizations. It is imperative that the people of Gujarat disallow and reject the government and political parties that are using the state to play communal games that not only cause immediate damage to the well being of a society but also root a number of long term issues.

kabhi jaagti hui un raaton me

aur un sard shaamo me,

jab teri surat taswwur me jhilmila uth ti hai

rukhe hue kuchh aramono ko

chand aansuon se bheega lete hain..

-az-

ik fursat-e-gunaah milii, wo bhii chaar din,

dekhe hai.n ham ne hausale parvar-digaar ke

-ghalib-

they ask me
why did i dropped the treasure
returned home empty handed
when i knew that's all i always wanted
since very begining
i longed for years
couldnt imagine life without it
and now, i am living
without

and i slipped into a dark vally of depreesing thoughts, every once in a while. Without any particular reasons, i miss everything, everyone.

I miss the plants at my Shahalam house back in ahmedabad, Where i grew up. Knowing that they aren't there anymore. I miss smelling the Bougainvillea while sleeping in the balcony.. i miss the jhulo and the veranda. Beautiful Summer nights.

Manali, delhi and Kerala, Ooty and it's nilgiries. Those starry nights of Chandigadh.

I miss being with sunil, silent conversations that we used to have. He understood me somehow, never said a word.

Washing my mini bicycle in the parking. That was my first vehicle. My own.

I remember playing cricket.. Jumping across the barb wires to get the ball from neighbor’s house and climbing the walls to see the sparrow nest on the bilal uncle's servent room.

The things that were offlimit, acts that were banned. Running away from home to visit the school, just cause i missed it so much in third grade summer vacation. There was no body there except the peon, I wondered what he was doing there even when it was all empty, he had no one to scold or scare.

Kinnari colony and an apartment with a broken door, we thought it had a skeleton, I should have gone in and looked.

Running around in rain, playing weird games. Flooded Raksha Park and then Water falling through the sky lights of the brand new Paldi house.

Peer kamal mosque was like second home in ramazans.

oh.. so many memories..

And I miss these things cause I know those times are not coming back. Things change, they always do.

It's not easy to be on the wrong side of the fence, especially when the fence is as barbed as one among religious groups in India.

We all blame the political outfits and extremist groups for the inception, cultivation, and frequent aggravation of the communal hatred. However the actual acts of violence are carried out by the people who aren’t exactly the most ardent participants at the regular activities of such fanatic groups and parties. Considering individual thought process and differences in decision making abilities among a population, mass hysteria and the process of losing all the senses, mercy and humanity must have a number of compelling causes and catalysts. This article is an attempt to pinpoint these factors with a solution oriented approach.

Being out there in the middle of communal frenzy and deadly hatred, it’s very normal to take a stand and be in the extreme corners and loathe the other side with a heart full of suspicion and dread. Taking sides may solve a problem or two for a small group of people but when we are talking about finding a remedy that would ensure lasting peace, we must have a group of people who refrain from taking the sides. We must have people among us who would invent ways to help us rationalize our behavior and facilitate us to tolerate contrasting perspectives. It sounds very primary, yet it's rare in practice. We seldom come across a person (Hindu or Muslim) who would even consider (respect comes much later) opinions from the other group.

Almost all of the arbitration groups of our times end up blaming one group or other and indulge in faultfinding activities throughout their existence. People in decision making capacity fail to realize that these groups not only impair the communal coexistence but also empower the extremist groups on both sides by providing fresh ammunition every time they publish a report lashing a particular community. Truth is important, so is justice, nevertheless undermining human lives and wellbeing by publishing exaggerated and sensational news stories is the most heinous crime. I believe failure to communicate openly without the fear of offending each other has exasperated our situation in places like Gujarat and other hatred infested areas. Tolerance is an overly preached topic in this context. However, the factors and behavioral examples that facilitate tolerance aren’t discussed openly and often enough.

To be able to respect an alternative perspective is a rare gift in a society that reveres the collectivism and group thinking. We have been driven to achieve amazing successes through unity and group efforts, and it also ensures that the digressive behavior wouldn't be very well received. Black sheep behavior and offbeat thinking is often criticized to an extent that creativity seizes early in the childhood development in such communities.

to be continued..

Poetry

Some of my favorite couplets..

Urdu comes first!

Tere vaade par jiye ham to ye jaan jhuuth jaanaa
ke khushii se mar na jaate agar aitabaar hotaa
Ghalib

Hindi: It was nightmarish to write Hindi script!!

Mere prabhu,
Mujhe itni unchain kabhi mat dena,
Gairo ko gale lagan a saku,
Itni rukhai Kabhi mat dena
AB Vajpeyee

English will be the next one!

Though leaves are many, the root is one;
Through all the lying days of my youth
I swayed my leaves and flowers in the sun;
Now I may wither into the truth.
W. B. Yeats

Farsi: I hardly understand the language. But Dual Language (Farsi + Hindustani) poetry by Ameer Khusro tops the list.

shabaan-e-hijran daraaz chun zulf wa roz-e waslat cho umr kotah,
sakhi piya ko jo main na dekhun to kaise kaatun andheri ratiyan
Ameer Khusro


Currently Listening to..

huzur is kadar bhi na itra ke chaliye,
khule-aam zulfe na bikhra ke chaliye.

I am launching my bloggin avatar at blogspot with something that’s been troubling me for a while now.

On a recent trip to NC, I stumbled literally (tripped on it) and figuratively (driving me crazy) on a book, "For the New Intellectual" by Ayn Rand.

The book elaborates, exemplifies and acts as an addendum to Rand’s earlier work. Kind of unprecedented, but so are here theories.

Russian immigrant to US, Ayn did have a lot of controversial opinions that could shake relatively conservative American ways of thinking. In her view US government had become increasingly socialist and in process violated individual rights and human reason while trying to protect public good. She proposed objectivism and promoted self-interest above community welfare, leaving no space for social conscience. Here are some quotes from the book.

“One must perceive and understand reality to survive. One's highest value should be one's ability to reason.”

"Nothing is given to man on earth. Everything he needs has to be produced. And here man faces his basic alternative: he can survive in only one of two ways-- by the independent work of his own mind or as a parasite fed by minds of others. The creator originates. The parasite borrows. The creator faces nature alone. The parasite faces nature through an intermediary.”

"The creator's concern is the conquest of nature. The parasite's concern is the conquest of men."

"The creator lives for his work. He needs no other men. His primary goal is within himself. The parasite lives second-hand. He needs others. Others become his prime motive.”"

"The basic need of the creator is independence. The reasoning mind cannot work under any form of compulsion. It cannot be curbed, sacrificed or subordinated to any consideration whatsoever. It demands total independence in function and in motive. To a creator, all relations with men are secondary.”

"The basic need of the second-hander is to secure his ties with men in order to be fed. He places relations first. He declares that man exists in order to serve others. He preaches altruism.”

"Altruism is the doctrine which demands that man live for others and place others above self.”


I wondered how this book never appeared on my reading radar. I like to read things that challenge my theories and do not facilitate innate tendencies to be complacent and ignorant about my approach, thinking and beliefs.

Place where I come from, selflessness is the biggest virtue. All I have been taught so far is to stay away from everything that is even remotely self indulging. Honestly, it doesn't feel very good, when your deeply rooted beliefs and views suffer massive blows in such a short time frame. Persuasive and influential, the theories presented in this book are hard to agree or disagree with.

I am sure, it wont’ change the ways of my daily life, but has definitely left some confused and loose ends in there. In there, where random thoughts are processes and get translated into ideas, opinions and theories. It sounds cliché’ but this book has definitely increased my consciousness about myself.